The Divorced Christian

How do you cope with a broken union that was supposed to be forever?

1. You allow yourself to grieve.

While your ex or soon-to-be ex-husband or wife may still be very much alive, the union has been lost. Your creation of one flesh has been torn and like a physical wound, it hurts. It bleeds. It leaves a scar. Allow yourself to feel that. Acknowledge your pain and give it space to exist. It can be tempting to throw yourself into work or leisure. It is easy to comfort ourselves with food or shopping. You might turn on a show or get on the phone to distract yourself from the pain but it is waiting for you whenever you click “off” or “end call.” I encourage you instead to sit with the feelings. Write about them or open up with a trusted comrade. The first step to overcoming the hurt is acknowledging that it exists.

We know that Jesus experienced pain and made no effort to conceal it. He wept. He grieved. He experienced anguish. His pain was so great that blood poured from his temple without injury. He cried out in distress for a Father that he had once intimately known but was now ripped away from him in an instant. Jesus hurt and in his humanity he embraced his pain.

I think it would be helpful to find examples of lament in the Bible. Lament describes expressions of deep sorrow. Psalm 6, Psalm 18, the book of Job, and the book of Habakkuk are fantastic places to start. Read through these Biblical presentations of despair, identify the present emotions, and determine how they mirror your own. Finding ourselves in scripture can help us realize that God sees us and cares about our feelings during those times where we feel forgotten or alone.

2. You get your needs met somewhere else.

Please continue reading before you jump to conclusions and do something unbiblical! Remember, the way that Christians do things is different from the way of the world. A spouse can be a source of comfort, warmth, encouragement, love, support, and companionship. A spouse is someone to wake up to, cook dinner with, go on dates with, and share new experiences alongside. Your partner is the person that you raise your children with, having those hard development conversations and sharing in the milestones. You have undoubtedly suffered a loss and in no way do I want to diminish that; however, you have a God who has vowed to be all of those things for you with or without a human partner by your side. Isaiah 54:5 tells us “Your Maker is your husband – the Lord Almighty is His name.” That’s a very literal way of telling us that God will give you everything that your partner did. Just give Him a chance to do so.

In your healing process, make a side-by-side list – on one side, everything that your ex-spouse gave you. On the other side, find a verse for the same characteristic that gives an example of God providing or promising to provide that in the Bible. For example, your ex-spouse might have given you “protection.” In the second column, you might use Daniel in the lion’s den (Daniel 6) as your scriptural example. Perhaps add supplementary verses like Psalm 34:7 – The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him, and He delivers them. If you do one of those a day, really meditating on how the Lord can provide you with what you’re missing from your spouse, before you know it, you will have pages of proof that God will supply all of your needs and you will lack nothing.

3. You rediscover who you are as an individual.

Divorce comes with identity loss. Where you were once so-and-so’s wife, Mrs. Smith’s husband, or Pastor such-and-such’s wife, now you’re just…you. Gatherings that once included a plus one are now solo events. Maybe your self esteem has even taken a nosedive. Before, had someone at home telling you every day how beautiful you were, how handsome you were, loving all of your flaws and boosting you up in your low moments. Now you stare in the mirror, focused on all of your flaws without a secondary voice to tell you that your slightly off-center nose or feet that are too big for your frame don’t take anything away from your beauty. I’d venture to say that the thought of “maybe I’m just not good enough or he/she would’ve stayed” has crossed your mind. Here, we have an opportunity for you to rediscover who your Creator says that you are instead of the image of you that your marriage created.

First things first, we are made in the image and likeness of God. This is to say that to understand who you are, you have to understand who God is. Perfect and blameless. Holy, consecrated, and righteous. God is loving, caring, understanding, peaceful, faithful, good, and pure. God is the light that brightens the darkest room. He is the quiet moment on the porch of that snowy cabin with a hot cup of coffee in one hand, a book in the other, and a cozy flannel blanket in your lap. God is the salt that gives your food taste. The best meal that you’ve ever had, the most indulgent dessert, and the most gorgeous view that you’ve ever witnessed in spirit form, that is God. The feeling when you saw your child for the first time. God is all of those things and believe it or not, when God looks at your face He sees Himself. Remember that. Remember that you were fearfully and wonderfully made. The root word used for “fearfully” based on the original text indicates that God worked hard on you, He was proud when He made you and there wasn’t a single thing that He looked upon and thought He made a mistake on. When there isn’t another human in front of you to tell you that, remember that the most perfect being there ever was whispers in your ear, “you are perfect, you are worthy” every second of every day.

4. You refamiliarize yourself with your purpose and God’s plan for your life.

God didn’t make you for marriage. That wasn’t your purpose here on earth before your marriage or during your marriage, and certainly not after it. God made you to solve a need. He created you to be the solution to an earthly crisis. Do you know what that is? Ask God to remind you. Maybe you knew at one point in life but once school, marriage, kids, health crises, and other life events set in, you lost sight of God’s path for you. It doesn’t matter whether 1 year or 45 years have passed, the Lord doesn’t change His mind about why He put you here or what He expects you to accomplish during your time here on earth. Our God is the God of restoration. Renewal. Fresh strength freely poured out to those who ask. So ask.

Daniel was an influential figure serving generations of kings well into his 90s. Moses was over 80 years old leading an entire nation through the wilderness. Abraham and Sarah were around the same age when they gave birth to their son who would start the lineage of God’s chosen people. You are a walking testimony in the making. The end of your marriage can be the beginning of you rediscovering you. Ask God to reveal your purpose and the steps that you need to take to get there. Instead of focusing on the person that you lost, discover what character traits and wisdom you gained from that relationship that will be a catalyst for your success in the future.

A few notes:

• Guilt and shame will try to creep in. The Bible is clear – God hates divorce. To ignore such a fact would be ignoring the word of God to protect your feelings. We don’t do that here. Yes, God hates divorce and He never intended it to be part of his master plan. Perhaps He is reminded of His own divorce from His great love, us, when Adam and Eve sinned in the garden. Similarly, a beautiful union was broken which brought great anguish to everyone involved. However, when Christ died for our sins, our guilt and shame went with him. To continue to feel guilty about what went wrong would be saying that what Christ did for us wasn’t enough. Understand that guilt and shame are planted by the enemy in an attempt to separate us from God. “I’m divorced, how am I going to show my face in church again?” “They’re going to judge me I can’t walk back in there.” “I can’t talk to God when I did something that He loathes, He’s mad at me.” God is never mad at you. He blatantly tells us to approach the throne of grace BOLDLY because when Christ died on that cross, He took all of our mistakes with him. Like the prodigal son’s father, when we think He wants nothing to do with us, really He is waiting with open arms ready to run towards us as soon as we approach. Run towards Him, don’t run away from Him.
• Lean on your community. There is strength in numbers. Traumatic events can be a foothold for Satan to come in and distance you from God which becomes easier when you isolate yourself. I’ve had plenty of moments where all I wanted to do was shut the blinds, close the curtains, curl up on the couch with the remote and a pint of ice cream, and just disappear for a few days (weeks or months more like it). When you’re emotional you can’t trust your flesh to make decisions because it will always act based on feelings. We all know how things go when we let our emotions determine our actions. Instead, turn to what the Bible tells you to do with your sadness. The Bible is our user manual. Our Maker wrote the Bible to teach us how to troubleshoot the bodies that He made. What does it tell us to do when we’re in distress? Call on Jesus. Praise. Worship. Rededicate yourself to the ways of the Lord. When we focus on what is good, pure, and holy like Paul teaches us, everything else becomes miniscule. God will take your mourning and turn it to dancing if you let Him. He calls believers to lift each other up. Call on your community in expectation that God will give them the encouragement you need to help pick you right back up.
• For those that are believing for restoration of the relationship that has been lost: pray about it. But pray that God’s will be done and surrender to whatever that is when you’re ready to do so. For we know that God’s ways are far greater than our ways. His plans are far better for us than anything we can come up with on our own. You don’t want that relationship back if it will ultimately end in destruction but only God can see far ahead enough to know that. Similarly, God doesn’t want you to give up on a relationship that can still enrich your life and give Him glory but again, only He can see into the future to know that. So just trust Him with that marriage or former marriage. That can be much easier said than done, I know. But what we ask for in Jesus’ name will be given to us so long as it aligns with the Father’s will. His will most certainly includes your having faith in Him so ask Him to increase it.
• Is it biblically acceptable for you to remarry? If you’re not even ready to consider this possibility, just skip this bullet point. If you are, here’s what the Bible says about remarriage – if you are a widow/widower, your spouse committed adultery, or you were abandoned in your marriage by an unbelieving partner, the Bible says remarriage is absolutely permitted. If your divorce does not fall into any of these categories, you are encouraged to remain single or reconcile the relationship. However, it is far more important to be sensitive enough to the voice of God to hear what He’s telling you to do in your specific circumstance. The Bible is one form of God’s word but His individual dealings with us via His Holy Spirit on the inside of us is the other. We know that in Christ, forgiveness and new beginnings are possible, so who’s to say that can’t apply to your marital status? (See: Romans 7:2-3; Matthew 19:9; 1 Corinthians 7:15; 1 Corinthians 7:10-11; 2 Corinthians 5:17)
• Many marriages end in divorce because they never should’ve happened to begin with. Often times, we make the mistake of creating our own “masterpieces” while expecting God to bless and keep them. If you’re unclear about the reason for your divorce, seek God’s revelation. This can give you guidance on what to do or what you need to work on moving forward.